[ Her anger catches him off-guard, and his surprise is written clearly on his face as he gapes at her. The moment passes, however, and his expression snaps back into something between annoyed and pissed. ]
Like hell I'm letting you stay here and migraine yourself to death.
[ When he grabs her hand -- the one currently not carrying a sniper rifle, thanks very much -- his grip is firm but not ungentle, and he starts marching back toward the Fast Travel. ]
We are going back to the ship, and you are gonna get some rest.
Let go. [ she digs her heels in, and yanks her hand back ] You don't need to coddle me! I'm not a child.
[ That last word is full of such venom, such raw hurt, she she shocks even herself. God, what was she doing? She's not mad at Peter. She's mad at her own inability to move past this, her lack of strength and foresight that got her into this situation to begin with. She's mad at how scared she is.
It's over, the Order paid their price, she has her memories back, so why isn't everything okay again?
As quickly as it came, the anger just drains out of her. She sinks slowly to her knees, face buried in her hands ] I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
[ The rage and hurt in her voice pierces him better than any sword ever could, and Peter's hold on her wrist becomes boneless. He's never heard her speak this way, and oh, it hurts, and at first all he can think is What did I do?, and then he thinks about how he never wants to hear that pain in her voice ever again.
For a long moment he's shocked into silence after she sinks to the ground, and he just stands there staring at her. He doesn't know what to do -- of course he doesn't know what to do except upset her, he can't even protect her, and why is he so goddamn useless all the time? -- and he's frozen to the spot.
Then all at once he takes action: he kneels in front of her and gathers her into his arms, resting his cheek against the top of her head. It's awkward, he'll admit, with the way her hands cover her face and the way their knees bump together a little, but it's better than gawking. ]
Please, don't-- It's okay-- [ And it comes out as barely more than a whisper, because he's so damn worried and scared for her. ] Don't-- I'm sorry, okay? I didn't want to upset you. It'll be alright, okay? I'm sorry.
[ He brings up a hand to gently stroke her hair, and he's about to murmur more stupid platitudes, more apologies -- It's okay, I'm sorry, it'll be alright -- but the familiarity of this strikes him (haven't we done this before?), and he stills. ]
[ She's quiet for a long moment, contemplating the small patch of grass she can see from under his arm. Saying it out loud makes it real- when it was all in her head, she could just push it aside and pretend it didn't exist. ]
I'm sorry that I can't beat this. I'm sorry I'm not stronger.
[ He pulls back to look at her, keeping his hands on her shoulders.
He speaks sternly and in earnest: ] Hey, you've got nothing to apologize for, okay? Nothing. You've been amazing about this whole fucked-up thing, as far as I'm concerned, but no one's gonna fault you if you need a hand with-- with dealing with this.
[ It seems he's lost most of his steam at this point, if the pause is anything to go by, but then he puts a hand beneath her chin to gently tilt her face to him. ]
Just tell me what you want or what you need me to do, and consider it done, alright?
[ She smiles, but it's a sad and tired expression, and shakes her head, gaze sliding away from his. ]
They took everything away from me. They took my will, my memories, my powers. The things they made me do... god, I remember all of it. Unarmed people, men and women and children- I slaughtered them. All because they refused to give the Order their goddamned precious tithe.
'Heathens', I thought. 'They must pay.' And I made them pay the ultimate price. I can still see their faces when I close my eyes.
I'm so... scared. What if they get in my head again? What if I turn on you?
I thought that if I could do this, if things were normal again, then I'd beat them. They wouldn't have any hold over me anymore. But I can't. I can barely use my powers, and the nightmares keep me awake. All those people... sometimes it's you, caught in my phaselock, looking on helplessly as I pull the trigger.
I don't know what to do, Peter. I've never felt so helpless in my entire life.
[ Silence stretches for a long while (too long, you idiot), and Peter has no idea what to say. All he knows is that he's entirely out of his depth here. He doesn't know what it's like to be made into a tool, doesn't know what it's like to have his freedom stripped from him. Even during his early days on the Eclector, the Ravagers had given him the liberty to roam the ship, let him ask questions and even help out if he asked nicely enough.
He worries that anything he says now will tip the scales too far to one side, make Maya clam up after this confession, and he doesn't want to lose her -- not to a group of religious fuckwits with a death wish, and not to the fear that seems to be building up inside her.
So when he speaks next, it's obvious that he's choosing his words with deliberate care. ]
None of that was you, Maya. You have to know that. The only ones to blame here are those dipshits at the abbey, and we took care of them. [ And here his expression darkens, and in moments like these it's little wonder that most of his life was spent among criminals. Clearly, thinking about the Brothers who did this to Maya has dredged up that Peter, the one who fought and threatened and killed his way back to her. ] We sent them a message that they won't forget. They won't try this again, if they know what's good for them.
And if they're stupid enough to give it another shot? They're goin' through us, they're goin' through me. I can promise you that much. Me, Gamora, Drax, Groot, and Rocket -- you've got a team of goddamn maniacs backing you, and we'll fight tooth and fucking nail to keep you safe.
[ He takes a breath, and finally his expression softens, and his shoulders drop. ] You'll get control of your powers again. You'll get control of your nightmares, too, but I can't promise they'll ever go away. You just need to give it time.
[ Peter has never been great at inspirational speeches, at least not in the time that she's known him. But this? There's honesty there, and something dark and raw and angry and real. It's anchoring, reassuring.
It brings her peace. Not much, but enough. A sliver of light through the clouds, and her smile may be just as tired as it was before, but this time there's something sweet and almost hopeful about it. ]
I have to wonder sometimes what I did to deserve you.
[ His smile is small, but no less genuine. ] Pretty sure I should be the one askin' that, actually.
You'll get through this. I'll be with you every step of the way -- as long as you need me, and probably even when you don't.
[ He looks thoughtful for a second, then he puts his hands to her cheeks, slides them back a little to gently cup her ears. He presses his forehead to hers -- one second, two seconds -- before pulling back.
Yondu taught him this when he was young, had done it to him. One of the other Ravagers had taken his Walkman, and Peter had thrown himself at him, bit and scratched and screamed and kicked like a wild animal until the pirate in question had easily knocked him down and left him with a split lip. Only Yondu's intervention had spared them both from another round.
You know what it means when I do this, boy? They were in Yondu's quarters, Peter sat on his lap trying desperately not to cry from stress and relief in front of the captain. When Peter shook his head, clutching the tape player to his chest, Yondu told him, It's a Centaurian gesture. Means "I promise" or "I swear to you." When someone does that to you, means he's made you a solemn vow. So now you know when I say this ain't gonna happen again, when I say I'm makin' sure ain't no one takin' that player from you, I mean it. You hear me?
And for Peter, the gesture made sense. He can stumble over words, he can lie through his teeth; he can bend truths and offer conciliatory remarks and make speeches all he wants -- but he's always let his actions speak for him. Just like his mom taught him, just like Yondu taught him, in the captain's weird way. ]
Whatever you want, whatever you need, it's yours, okay?
[ the significance of the gesture is lost on her- evident in the way she blinks at him a couple of times- but she appreciates it nonetheless. It's obvous it was important just by the deliberate nature of his movements. ]
I guess at this point I don't know what I want. But you're right, what I need is rest.
[ She says it with a little smirk. She's far from okay, but she thinks that maybe, just maybe, with Peter's help, she'll get there.
Just as she's thinking about what she's going to have to tell Sir Hammerlock when they get back, the Fast Travel whirs to life and Gaige, Axton and Rocket materialize out of the blue light. (Never a more dangerous combination on all of Pandora, Maya thinks with no small amount of amusement.)
It's easy enough to pass on the details of the job with only a couple concerned questions, and she watches, amused, as the three of them descend the hill. ]
... I wonder if we'll be able to see the explosion from Sanctuary.
[ To say their arrival was well-timed is an understatement, but it was welcome, nevertheless. Peter had been especially stern with Rocket, making sure that he understood that blowing things up is fine and dandy, but to make sure that the blast radius wouldn't catch their new acquaintances in addition to whatever beasties they were targeting.
His warnings were met with an annoyed, "I'm not a goddamn idiot, Quill," and grumblings as they headed downhill. ]
I won't lie. I'm kind of tempted to stick around and watch the fireworks. But!
[ He stands, brushing himself off, then offering a hand to Maya. A small part of him is tempted to just pick her up and carry her all the way back, but he's pretty sure that'd piss her off, make her feel babied, so he doesn't. ]
[ She's tempted to tell Peter that if Gaige and Axton can survive the Warrior, they can survive Rocket, but, well. She's seen Rocket in action. As for his offered hand, she takes it, picking up her rifle with her spare hand before rising to her feet. ]
We shall.
... So what were you saying earlier about beaches?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Like hell I'm letting you stay here and migraine yourself to death.
[ When he grabs her hand -- the one currently not carrying a sniper rifle, thanks very much -- his grip is firm but not ungentle, and he starts marching back toward the Fast Travel. ]
We are going back to the ship, and you are gonna get some rest.
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[ That last word is full of such venom, such raw hurt, she she shocks even herself. God, what was she doing? She's not mad at Peter. She's mad at her own inability to move past this, her lack of strength and foresight that got her into this situation to begin with. She's mad at how scared she is.
It's over, the Order paid their price, she has her memories back, so why isn't everything okay again?
As quickly as it came, the anger just drains out of her. She sinks slowly to her knees, face buried in her hands ] I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
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For a long moment he's shocked into silence after she sinks to the ground, and he just stands there staring at her. He doesn't know what to do -- of course he doesn't know what to do except upset her, he can't even protect her, and why is he so goddamn useless all the time? -- and he's frozen to the spot.
Then all at once he takes action: he kneels in front of her and gathers her into his arms, resting his cheek against the top of her head. It's awkward, he'll admit, with the way her hands cover her face and the way their knees bump together a little, but it's better than gawking. ]
Please, don't-- It's okay-- [ And it comes out as barely more than a whisper, because he's so damn worried and scared for her. ] Don't-- I'm sorry, okay? I didn't want to upset you. It'll be alright, okay? I'm sorry.
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What's this really about? What are you sorry for?
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I'm sorry that I can't beat this. I'm sorry I'm not stronger.
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[ He pulls back to look at her, keeping his hands on her shoulders.
He speaks sternly and in earnest: ] Hey, you've got nothing to apologize for, okay? Nothing. You've been amazing about this whole fucked-up thing, as far as I'm concerned, but no one's gonna fault you if you need a hand with-- with dealing with this.
[ It seems he's lost most of his steam at this point, if the pause is anything to go by, but then he puts a hand beneath her chin to gently tilt her face to him. ]
Just tell me what you want or what you need me to do, and consider it done, alright?
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They took everything away from me. They took my will, my memories, my powers. The things they made me do... god, I remember all of it. Unarmed people, men and women and children- I slaughtered them. All because they refused to give the Order their goddamned precious tithe.
'Heathens', I thought. 'They must pay.' And I made them pay the ultimate price. I can still see their faces when I close my eyes.
I'm so... scared. What if they get in my head again? What if I turn on you?
I thought that if I could do this, if things were normal again, then I'd beat them. They wouldn't have any hold over me anymore. But I can't. I can barely use my powers, and the nightmares keep me awake. All those people... sometimes it's you, caught in my phaselock, looking on helplessly as I pull the trigger.
I don't know what to do, Peter. I've never felt so helpless in my entire life.
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He worries that anything he says now will tip the scales too far to one side, make Maya clam up after this confession, and he doesn't want to lose her -- not to a group of religious fuckwits with a death wish, and not to the fear that seems to be building up inside her.
So when he speaks next, it's obvious that he's choosing his words with deliberate care. ]
None of that was you, Maya. You have to know that. The only ones to blame here are those dipshits at the abbey, and we took care of them. [ And here his expression darkens, and in moments like these it's little wonder that most of his life was spent among criminals. Clearly, thinking about the Brothers who did this to Maya has dredged up that Peter, the one who fought and threatened and killed his way back to her. ] We sent them a message that they won't forget. They won't try this again, if they know what's good for them.
And if they're stupid enough to give it another shot? They're goin' through us, they're goin' through me. I can promise you that much. Me, Gamora, Drax, Groot, and Rocket -- you've got a team of goddamn maniacs backing you, and we'll fight tooth and fucking nail to keep you safe.
[ He takes a breath, and finally his expression softens, and his shoulders drop. ] You'll get control of your powers again. You'll get control of your nightmares, too, but I can't promise they'll ever go away. You just need to give it time.
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It brings her peace. Not much, but enough. A sliver of light through the clouds, and her smile may be just as tired as it was before, but this time there's something sweet and almost hopeful about it. ]
I have to wonder sometimes what I did to deserve you.
... Thank you.
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You'll get through this. I'll be with you every step of the way -- as long as you need me, and probably even when you don't.
[ He looks thoughtful for a second, then he puts his hands to her cheeks, slides them back a little to gently cup her ears. He presses his forehead to hers -- one second, two seconds -- before pulling back.
Yondu taught him this when he was young, had done it to him. One of the other Ravagers had taken his Walkman, and Peter had thrown himself at him, bit and scratched and screamed and kicked like a wild animal until the pirate in question had easily knocked him down and left him with a split lip. Only Yondu's intervention had spared them both from another round.
You know what it means when I do this, boy? They were in Yondu's quarters, Peter sat on his lap trying desperately not to cry from stress and relief in front of the captain. When Peter shook his head, clutching the tape player to his chest, Yondu told him, It's a Centaurian gesture. Means "I promise" or "I swear to you." When someone does that to you, means he's made you a solemn vow. So now you know when I say this ain't gonna happen again, when I say I'm makin' sure ain't no one takin' that player from you, I mean it. You hear me?
And for Peter, the gesture made sense. He can stumble over words, he can lie through his teeth; he can bend truths and offer conciliatory remarks and make speeches all he wants -- but he's always let his actions speak for him. Just like his mom taught him, just like Yondu taught him, in the captain's weird way. ]
Whatever you want, whatever you need, it's yours, okay?
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I guess at this point I don't know what I want. But you're right, what I need is rest.
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[ She says it with a little smirk. She's far from okay, but she thinks that maybe, just maybe, with Peter's help, she'll get there.
Just as she's thinking about what she's going to have to tell Sir Hammerlock when they get back, the Fast Travel whirs to life and Gaige, Axton and Rocket materialize out of the blue light. (Never a more dangerous combination on all of Pandora, Maya thinks with no small amount of amusement.)
It's easy enough to pass on the details of the job with only a couple concerned questions, and she watches, amused, as the three of them descend the hill. ]
... I wonder if we'll be able to see the explosion from Sanctuary.
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His warnings were met with an annoyed, "I'm not a goddamn idiot, Quill," and grumblings as they headed downhill. ]
I won't lie. I'm kind of tempted to stick around and watch the fireworks. But!
[ He stands, brushing himself off, then offering a hand to Maya. A small part of him is tempted to just pick her up and carry her all the way back, but he's pretty sure that'd piss her off, make her feel babied, so he doesn't. ]
Shall we, my lady?
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We shall.
... So what were you saying earlier about beaches?
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Beaches with white sand and clear blue water, with no terrorists or bomb defusing or ambushes or anything. Just us and the waves and the sun.
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Pretty sure we don't have any jobs lined up, so we've got the time, as long as you promise to take it easy.
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That's my girl.